Posts within the category: Plain language

January 4, 2012

Your Honor, could you repeat that ... in plain language?

A plain language colleague recently shared this tale about jury duty. (He's given me permission to use it.) Here's the story, in his own words:

"If you are called to serve as a grand juror in the District of Columbia, as I have been, you are sworn in using the following oath.  Do you have any idea what you are swearing to?...

Do you and each of you as members of the grand jury for the District of Columbia solemnly swear that you will diligently, fully and impartially inquire into and true presentment make of all offenses which shall come to your knowledge and of which the superior court of the District of Columbia has cognizance: that you will present no one from hatred or malice nor leave anyone unpresented from fear, favor, affection, reward, or hope of reward; that you will keep secret everything said, discussed, or viewed in the grand jury room and that you will to the best of your ability perform all the duties enjoined upon you, so help you God?

...After [we jurors had taken] the oath, the judge asked if there were any questions.  I raised my hand and said that we had just sworn to do something that was unclear to me, and that I particularly did not understand the meaning of the word 'present' as used in the oath.  I asked the judge if he could please explain to me what we had sworn to. 

After much deliberation, he said that we swore to carefully consider the evidence and make an impartial decision.  He also said that he would ask the chief judge if the oath could be rewritten more clearly.

I’ll be released from jail next week.  (Just kidding.)"

Great story. I like how it took the judge "much deliberation" to paraphrase the oath in plain language and how he needed to ask permission to have the oath rewritten so it would be easier for jurors to understand!

My colleague's story made me curious about plain language progress in the courtroom, where jurors' understanding of what they're being asked to do really does have life-or-death consequences. It turns out that many state and federal courts have revised the instructions they give to jurors so they can understand what they're promising to do. And some of these revisions are award-winning. The Center for Plain Language gave a 2011 ClearMark Award to the State Bar of Texas for revising the Texas Pattern Jury Instructions: Admonitory Instructions.

• Compare the Texas Bar's Before version to its After.
• Review the Utah State Courts Guidelines for Drafting Plain-Language Jury Instructions
• Read the Colorado Bar Association's Proposed Plain Language Revisions to criminal jury instructions

October 26, 2011

Nov 1 - Plain Language Writing Workshop: Six Strategies For Clearing The Clutter From Your Writing

Need to get up to speed on plain language? Interested in improving your own writing skills and learning how to improve the documents you edit for others? Enroll in this practical, hands-on, half-day workshop and gain strategies for writing in plain language. Learn how to use clear, accurate wording that will help your reader do what you ask and understand what you mean.

Register for the November 1 workshop

You'll learn six strategies for clearing the clutter from your writing:

• How to tailor your writing to your readers' needs
• How to use a two-tier process for editing for conciseness
• How to make your writing scannable
• How, and when, to display information in vertical lists or tables
• How to cut word count by 10 percent, 25 percent, or even 50 percent
• How, and why, to write in active voice

You'll learn about complying with the recent plain language law:

• What is the Plain Writing Act of 2010?
• How will this legislation affect government agencies?
• How should corporations and non-profits respond to this law?

You should attend this workshop if you:

• Value clarity in written communication
• Need to improve your writing skills
• Want to be able to explain to colleagues why their writing needs to be edited
• Want to learn how recent plain language laws will affect writing in the government and beyond

You will receive:

• A notebook containing course exercises and resources
• Before-and-after examples that show the power of a plain language rewrite
• A plain language resource list

Register now!

Questions about the November 1 Plain Language Writing Workshop? Call 301-989-9583 or send an e-mail to Leslie@ewriteonline.com

Leslie

September 10, 2011

September 11th e-mails: Written to calm or to scare?

On September 11, 2001, I was teaching a Writing for the Web course for staff in the Arlington County, VA government. Among the class members were six fire department employees. Just after 9:30, when I was discussing the course objectives and reviewing the agenda, the fire department attendees' pagers went off. The six of them stood in unison and began heading out the door. Before he left, one man came up to me where I was standing at the podium and whispered "We have to go now and you'll know why soon." In minutes, we all knew why they had left and, of course, the class was canceled.

Looking back on that day of destruction, I have always been grateful that I had been doing something constructive: working with people who wanted to learn to communicate more clearly. And I was grateful that Arlington County rescheduled the writing class I was teaching on September 11, 2001. About 10 weeks later, we held the class, and some of the fire department employees attended. Our nation and local community were struggling with concerns about safety and overwhelming grief, and we 25 people in a writing class were learning how to make ourselves understood. To me, this was a hopeful thing to do.

So, in light of this connection between communication and the legacy of 9/11, I'd like to share the two 9/11-related e-mails I received today:

• One is from American University (AU), where my daughter goes to school. Read the complete AU e-mail here.

• One is from the Montgomery County, Maryland government. (I live in Montgomery County.) Read the complete county government e-mail here.

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American University's e-mail is 9/11 communication done right:

• The e-mail is signed by Neil Kerwin, AU president. Seeing the president's name on the e-mail assures me that I am reading well-vetted information.
• The subject line, "Security and AU Emergency Preparedness," is well-crafted. It uses problem-solving words – security, preparedness – instead of alarming words – threat, terrorism.
• It's loaded with personal pronouns – our students, we will notify, I encourage you. These pronouns support the connection between writer and readers; they build trust.

• It provides practical suggestions about what to do – familiarize yourself with the AU Emergency Preparedness Web site and honor the day with AU events of remembrance. I am glad that one of the practical suggestions is a positive one.

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Montgomery County, MD's e-mail is 9/11 communication done wrong:

• The subject line is "Alert Montgomery," which is the same subject line the county uses for all alert-related communications: tornado warnings, earthquakes, crime alerts, and water main breaks. So when I receive an "Alert Montgomery" e-mail, I have no idea whether I should go to the basement and cover myself with a mattress or watch the county's "7 Signs of Terrorism" video.
• It calls readers residents, not you. Now, you may think I am nitpicking here, but surely Alert Montgomery knows this e-mail will be read by county business owners, too? So using the word residents instead of you makes the e-mail inaccurate as well as impersonal.
• It describes the efforts of the bureaucracy instead of answering the questions of the residents. We learn that the county police have joined federal and local partners in the "See Something Say Something" campaign, which is a "simple and effective" program. These are bureaucrats' concerns, not ours.
• It uses terms most residents will find unfamiliar. Can you imagine a county resident placing this call? "Hello, Montgomery County Police. I would like to report one instance of Elicitation and one of Deploying Assets."

• It does little to help me know what to do in light of potential attack. (Ugh, I am getting so tangled up in the county's wording! What is a potential attack, anyway?!) The e-mail is 444 words long. Thirty words before the end, the county encourages me to contact the police if I observe a suspicious situation.

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How will I commemorate the tenth anniversary of September 11, 2001? By thinking of the people I was with on that date and the reason we were together. By calling my friend and Arlington County colleague Anita, whom I've spoken to on every September 11th since 2001. By continuing to work to build understanding between writers and readers, speakers and listeners.

April 14, 2011

Archived webinar: Listen to or download my "Update on Plain Writing Principles and the New Law"

Earlier this year, I delivered a 90-minute webinar for Web Manager University entitled Write Plainly: An Update on Plain Writing Principles and the New Law. During the webinar, I discussed plain writing principles, and Kathryn Catania, PLAIN co-chair, presented information on the Plain Writing Act of 2010.

During the webinar, we covered:

• The principles of plain language
• How to edit content according to plain language principles
• Where to find additional plain language training and resources
• How the Plain Writing Act could affect government agencies' operations

Now, you can download the webinar recording (66 MB, 90 minutes) and the presentation slides (PDF, 3 MB).

If you want to laugh yourself silly, download the transcript (PDF, 40 KB), which documents me saying things like "I think is an idiot for FAQs as part of the culture of the Web" and "Not really, but it do go to play my wish..."  Ah, you gotta love digital transcription technology!

April 8, 2011

E-mails about the Epsilon security breach: Marriott got it wrong, but Target and Hilton got it right

A couple of days ago, hackers stole data (customers' names and e-mails) from Epsilon, a company that manages e-mail marketing campaigns for some of the nation's biggest retailers. (Read the WSJ article "Breach Brings Scrutiny.") I must be a downstream customer of Epsilon's because within a day of the breach I had received explanation e-mails from Marriott, Target, and Hilton. (Scroll to the bottom to read the three e-mails.) Overall, Marriott's was the least effective. After a close read of these three samples, I've come up with some advice.

Four tips for writing e-mail that explains a security breach ...  or other bad news

1. Write a clear subject line. Target and Hilton used the same subject line: Important message from [Target, Hilton HHonors]. Marriott used Important Notice from Marriott International, Inc. These subject lines are truly inadequate and likely to get lost in my inbox. And they do nothing to offset the torrent of phone calls each company's contact center must have received from nervous customers. Even Explanation of Recent Security Breach would have been a better subject line.
2. Use a specific greeting. Marriott got this right. But Target addressed me as a valued guest. I have never understood this euphemism for customer. Yes, one treats guests nicely, but one doesn't usually try to sell them things or protect their e-mail addresses. And Hilton's Dear Customergreeting is just blah. It's anonymous.

    

3. Explain what the customer should do. Marriott's advice is weak: continue to be on alert. Marriott does nothing to help customers gauge the severity of the breach or to take steps to protect themselves. In contrast, Target and Hilton give bulleted, specific instructions.

    

4. Sign the e-mail. When your customers become concerned about their personal data, it's time to bring in the big guns. Marriott blundered again. Their e-mail isn't even "signed" with a person's title, such as Marketing Director or Customer Service Manager. Hilton's and Target's VPs took personal responsibility in their company's e-mails.

On a related topic, Epsilon's news release on the breach -- "Epsilon Notifies Clients of Unauthorized Entry into Email System" -- is pure blunder. The worst thing a company can do when something bad has happened is use language that hides ownership. Plain language is a must. If ever Epsilon should have chosen active voice, this would be the time. But Epsilon's news release is full of the company's hysteria-induced use of passive voice: "On March 30th, an incident was detected where a subset of Epsilon clients' customer data were exposed by an unauthorized entry into Epsilon's email system." Who detected? Who exposed?

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Marriott's E-Mail

Dear Marriott Customer,

We were recently notified by Epsilon, a marketing vendor used by Marriott International, Inc. to manage customer emails, that an unauthorized third party gained access to a number of Epsilon's accounts including Marriott's email list.

In all likelihood, this will not impact you. However, we recommend that you continue to be on the alert for spam emails requesting personal or sensitive information. Please understand and be assured that Marriott does not send emails requesting customers to verify personal information.

We take your privacy very seriously. Marriott has a long-standing commitment to protecting the privacy of the personal information that our guests entrust to us. We regret this has taken place and apologize for any inconvenience.

Please visit our FAQ to learn more.

Sincerely,

Marriott International, Inc.

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Target's E-Mail

To our valued guests,

Target’s email service provider, Epsilon, recently informed us that their data system was exposed to unauthorized entry. As a result, your email address may have been accessed by an unauthorized party. Epsilon took immediate action to close the vulnerability and notified law enforcement.

While no personally identifiable information, such as names and credit card information, was involved, we felt it was important to let you know that your email may have been compromised. Target would never ask for personal or financial information through email.

Consider these tips to help protect your personal information online:

• Don’t provide sensitive information through email. Regular email is not a secure method to transmit personal information.
• Don’t provide sensitive information outside of a secure website. Legitimate companies will not attempt to collect personal information outside a secure website. If you are concerned, contact the organization represented in the email. 
• Don’t open emails from senders you don’t know.

We sincerely regret that this incident occurred. Target takes information protection very seriously and will continue to work to ensure that all appropriate measures are taken to protect personal information. Please contact Guest.Relations@target.com should you have any additional questions.

Sincerely,

Bonnie Gross
Vice President, Marketing and Guest Engagement

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Hilton's E-Mail

Dear Customer:

We were notified by our database marketing vendor, Epsilon, that we are among a group of companies affected by a data breach. How will this affect you? The company was advised by Epsilon that the files accessed did not include any customer financial information, and Epsilon has stressed that the only information accessed was names and e-mail addresses. The most likely impact, if any, would be receipt of unwanted e-mails. We are not aware at this time of any unsolicited e-mails (spam) that are related, but as a precaution, we want to remind you of a couple of tips that should always be followed:

• Do not open e-mails from senders you do not know
• Do not share personal information via e-mail

Hilton Worldwide, its brands and loyalty program will never ask you to e-mail personal information such as credit card numbers or social security numbers. You should be cautious of "phishing" e-mails, where the sender tries to trick the recipient into disclosing confidential or personal information. If you receive such a request, it did not come from Hilton Worldwide, its brands or its loyalty program. If you receive this type of request you should not respond to it but rather notify us at fraud_alert@hilton.com.

As always, we greatly value your business and loyalty, and take this matter very seriously. Data privacy is a critical focus for us, and we will continue to work to ensure that all appropriate measures are taken to protect your personal information from unauthorized access.

Sincerely,

Jeffrey Diskin
Senior Vice President, Customer Marketing
Hilton Worldwide

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